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Forms, filing fees, waiting periods and the traps that get filings rejected, for one state at a time.

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Forms, deadlines, and the traps that get filings rejected — one kit per state. And if this only just happened, start here.

Start hereFour questions, then the handful of pages that apply to you, in the order they will make sense The first thirty daysWhat has to happen now, what can wait, and the advice everyone gives that is usually wrong Moving out, and the houseWhether leaving costs you the house, whose name is on what, and the four different things called separation Temporary ordersSupport, the children and the legal fees, decided in the first weeks and lasting until the case ends

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Browse all 50 state guides →

The filing fee for your state, traced to the statute.

Getting your finances in order — what to expect, what is taxable, who pays for what →Divorce money by state — property, support, legal fees, and the four states that tax alimony differently →Is this worth fighting over? — what the argument costs against what it is worth, at your own numbers →What am I forgetting? — forty-three things people miss, shown by what is true of you →Mediation — what it is good at, what it is not, and the questions to ask first →

Compare all 50 states →What people report paying — the rest of the bill →Alimony in all fifty states →Divorce and taxes →Dividing retirement: QDROs, IRAs and pensions →Social Security on an ex-spouse’s record →Health insurance after divorce →Divorce and debt →Valuing a business →Discovery: finding out what you actually own →When you think assets are being hidden →The house: sell it, keep it, or rent →Qualifying for a mortgage on one income →When they stop paying →Beneficiaries and wills after divorce →The parts that are the same everywhere →

Attorneys, mediators, CDFAs and therapists, verified. Nobody paid to be listed — and what to ask before you hire one.

Questions to ask a lawyerThirty of them, with what a bad answer sounds like Doing it without a lawyerWhen that is reasonable, and the hard stops where it is not What your state calls itConservatorship, time sharing, community property. The words that change at the state line GlossaryImputed income, pendente lite, merged versus incorporated. In plain English

All 50 state directories →Selling the house? What the agent credentials mean →

Prenups and postnups in plain English, traced to the statute.

The guideHow they work, and the four ways they fail The checklistWhat to do, in what order, from twelve months out Annotated clausesSix that hold up, three that cause trouble PostnupsWhat changes when you are already married

Custody, support, the arrangements underneath them — and what to do when they stop working.

What age can a child choose?The whole answer is that no state lets them. Only six even name an age When the order stops workingContempt, arrears, and changing the number or the schedule years later Conflict and the child in the middleBadmouthing, loyalty binds, the Disneyland parent, and what each one actually does Child custody by stateIs 50/50 really the default? What the statute says in all fifty Child support by stateHow each state calculates it, and what changes the number Co-parentingCommunication, handovers, and the things that reliably go wrong Parenting arrangementsSchedules that work, by the age of the child Which state decidesJurisdiction, and why it is settled before you think Who speaks for your childGuardians ad litem, evaluators — what they do and who pays Children of divorceWhat the research shows, and where it is misquoted

Protective orders in all fifty states, traced to the statute itself.

Abuse and the divorce caseCoercive control, custody presumptions, why mediation is the wrong room, and documenting safely

All 50 protective order guides →Guns and protection orders: the federal rule →Which states actually take the guns →Digital safety, and the line you must not cross →

Getting your things out of the house, and keeping them somewhere safe until it is settled.

Moving during a divorceThere are two moves, and the federal rules that protect you on the second Broker or carrier?The fifteen-second test that tells you who will actually turn up Every authorized moverAll 1,252 of them, by state, and which are brokers rather than carriers Storage optionsThe four kinds, and whose name ends up on the agreement Storage and the lienHow a unit gets sold out from under you, and how to stop it What happens to the houseSell, buy out, or wait — and when not to call an agent at all

Travel, your health, your name, new relationships. The parts that are not about the filing — and that matter before, during and long after it.

The occasions nobody wrote rules forWeddings, graduations, funerals, holidays and birthdays, when the family is divided Health and self-careTherapy, grief, sleep, drinking, eating, appearance and the healthcare you stopped booking TravelPassports that need both parents, consent letters, and what it costs to travel as one Changing your name backAsk in the divorce and it is usually free. Miss that moment and it is not StepfamiliesWhat the research says, and the two statistics that have no source Blended familiesWhat actually works, and what is just custom StepmothersThe hardest position in the structure, and why it is the structure Dating againThe legal risk nobody mentions, and how to stay safe Buddy connectionsMatched with one person going through it too. Both anonymous Share The CuspPass it to someone who needs a straight answer Where we were wrongEvery error we have found and fixed, dated and public

All topics About

Before you sign

Almost nothing on this page is about whether your settlement is fair. It is about the things that are simply missing from an agreement that looks finished — the order that was never drafted, the form the IRS needs and your decree cannot replace, the sixty-day clock nobody mentioned. These are not negotiating points. They are the reasons people come back two years later and are told nothing can be done.

The form that outranks your will

This is far easier to fix before an agreement is signed than after, because some plans need a spouse’s consent to change it. The beneficiary form outranks your will sets out what divorce does and does not change on its own — and why “my state revokes it automatically” is true about the small assets and false about the large one.

Before you start ticking

Nothing on this page is saved. The ticks are yours and they stay in this browser tab — close it, or open this page on your phone instead, and they are gone. Nothing you tick is sent to us. If you need to keep it, print the page or take a screenshot.

Print this. Take it to the meeting where you are expected to sign. Tick what has actually been dealt with, and make somebody answer for the rest.

Retirement: the order that has to exist separately

This is the single most common catastrophe, and it is always the same shape. The agreement says the pension or the 401(k) is split. The agreement does not split it. A separate order, drafted to the plan’s satisfaction and signed by the judge, splits it. If nobody prepares that order, the money stays where it is, and by the time anyone notices the participant may have remarried, retired, rolled the account over or died.

Worse: the correct instrument is different for every kind of plan, and an order drafted for the wrong one is rejected.

Which order your plan actually needs

Private employer plan — 401(k), 403(b), a company pension

A Qualified Domestic Relations Order. The statute requires it to name the participant and each alternate payee with their addresses, state the amount or percentage or the method of working it out, the number of payments or period covered, and each plan it applies to.29 U.S.C. § 1056(d)(3)(C); 26 U.S.C. § 414(p)(2)

An IRA — traditional or Roth

Not a QDRO. QDROs reach employer plans only. An IRA is divided by a direct trustee-to-trustee transfer “incident to divorce”, which is not a taxable distribution, and the account then becomes the recipient’s own IRA. A QDRO sent to an IRA custodian achieves nothing.26 U.S.C. § 408(d)(6)

Federal civil service — FERS or CSRS

Not ERISA, so not a QDRO. It is a Court Order Acceptable for Processing under 5 C.F.R. Part 838. An order formatted as an ERISA QDRO does not qualify unless it says expressly that its CSRS or FERS provisions are governed by Part 838.5 C.F.R. §§ 838.103, 838.302(a)(1)

Thrift Savings Plan

Its own instrument again: a Retirement Benefits Court Order, processed by the TSP Court Order Center. It can be issued at any stage of the case, and once TSP receives one the account is frozen — no new loans or withdrawals — until it is resolved.tsp.gov

Military retired pay

Governed by the Uniformed Services Former Spouses’ Protection Act. Read the next box before you accept anything you have been told about ten years.10 U.S.C. § 1408

The 10/10 rule is not what you have been told

It is repeated everywhere that a former spouse gets nothing from military retired pay unless the marriage lasted ten years. That is wrong, and believing it has cost people their share.

A court may treat disposable retired pay as marital property regardless of how long the marriage lasted. What the ten-year overlap governs is only whether DFAS will pay the former spouse directly rather than the member paying them. Under ten years of overlap you may still be awarded a share; you just have to collect it from your ex rather than from the government.

And a separate deadline that is missed constantly: if the order requires former spouse Survivor Benefit Plan coverage, the deemed election request must reach DFAS within one year of that order. Miss it and the coverage is gone.

29 U.S.C. § 1056; 26 U.S.C. § 414 and § 408; 5 C.F.R. Part 838; tsp.gov, divorce, annulment and legal separation; 10 U.S.C. § 1408(d)(2); DFAS, former spouse SBP deemed election. All read 6 September 2026.

What happens to the pension if they die first

A survivor annuity and a share of the benefit are two different things, and an order can give you one without the other.

Divorce cancels the protection the law gives spouses

While you are married, federal law protects you with a joint and survivor annuity and a pre-retirement survivor annuity. On divorce, if it happens before the annuity starting date, the former spouse loses those protections automatically.

The only way to get them back is for the domestic relations order to say expressly that the plan must treat the former spouse as the surviving spouse. If your order divides the pension but is silent about survivorship, and your ex dies first, the stream can simply stop.

Ask the question in exactly these words: “does the order name me as surviving spouse for survivor annuity purposes?”

US Department of Labor, Employee Benefits Security Administration, QDROs: The Division of Retirement Benefits Through Qualified Domestic Relations Orders, read 6 September 2026.

Tax: four things the decree cannot do by itself

Before signing, confirm each of these

Alimony is no longer deductible, and the number was probably negotiated as if it were

For any divorce or separation instrument executed after 31 December 2018, alimony is not deductible by the payer and not income to the recipient. A pre-2019 order keeps the old treatment even when it is later modified — unless the modification expressly says the new rules apply. That single sentence, present or absent, moves real money.IRS Topic 452; Publication 504

You are taking the asset’s tax bill with it

Transfers between spouses incident to divorce are not taxed — but the recipient takes the transferor’s original basis, not the value on the day of transfer. $150,000 of cash and $150,000 of stock bought for $30,000 are not the same offer. Nothing on the face of the agreement will tell you this.26 U.S.C. § 1041; IRS Publication 504

Who claims the children is settled by an IRS form, not by your judge

The custodial parent — the one the child spent the greater number of nights with — is the one entitled to claim, whatever your decree says. The only way to move it is a signed Form 8332. A state court order alone does not bind the IRS. If your agreement gives your ex the deduction, it needs the form attached, and for which years.26 U.S.C. § 152(e)

Health savings accounts move the same way as an IRA

An HSA interest can be transferred to a spouse or former spouse under a divorce or separation instrument without tax, and afterwards it is theirs. Easy to forget it exists at all.26 U.S.C. § 223(f)(7)

IRS Topic no. 452; IRS Publication 504; 26 U.S.C. § 223. Read 6 September 2026.

Health insurance, and the sixty-day clock

Nobody is going to do this for you

Divorce or legal separation is a COBRA qualifying event, and a spouse and dependent children can get up to 36 months of continuation coverage — longer than the 18 months most people have heard of.

But the notice duty is on you, not on the employer. The covered employee or the qualified beneficiary has to tell the plan administrator, within 60 days of the divorce or legal separation. An employer that does not know about your divorce has no obligation to offer you anything.

So the item on the checklist is not “discuss health insurance”. It is: who is notifying which plan administrator, and on what date.

29 U.S.C. § 1166(a)(3); qualifying event at 29 U.S.C. § 1163(3). Read 6 September 2026.

Debt: your decree does not bind the bank

This is the one that surprises people most, and it is not a gray area.

The creditor was not a party to your divorce

A divorce decree is an agreement between the two of you. It does not change anybody’s contract with a lender. If you are a joint account holder — not merely an authorized user — you remain liable to that lender for the whole balance after the divorce, no matter which of you the decree says must pay it.

What the decree gives you is a claim against your ex, which is worth exactly as much as your ex is. What it does not give you is protection from the bank, or from your own credit report.

So the only real fix is closure, refinancing into one name, or a written release from the creditor, and it should have happened before signature rather than been promised for afterwards.

Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, “Can a debt collector contact me about a debt after a divorce?”, read 6 September 2026.

The children, years out

The three that get missed

Who owns the 529, not who pays into it

A 529 has an account owner, and the owner controls investments, distributions and even who the beneficiary is. Being the child’s other parent gives you no authority over it whatsoever. If the account is in your ex’s name and the agreement is silent, they may change the beneficiary to a child of a later marriage.SEC, investor.gov

The FAFSA rule reversed, and most advice online is still the old one

Since the 2024–25 form, the parent who reports on the FAFSA is the one the student lived with more in the past twelve months. Financial support is only the tiebreaker if the time was exactly equal. This is the reverse of what many settlement agreements were drafted around, and the parenting schedule you sign now may decide how much aid your child is offered.Federal Student Aid

College costs themselves

Whether a court can order a parent to contribute to college is entirely a question of your state’s law, and the states genuinely disagree. This is one to raise before signature, because in a state where the court cannot order it, the agreement is the only chance you get.

investor.gov, 529 account owner; Federal Student Aid, “Who is my parent when I fill out the FAFSA form?”. Read 6 September 2026.

One thing you cannot fix, and should know now

The ten-year marriage rule for Social Security

To claim on a former spouse’s earnings record, the marriage must have lasted at least ten years. No decree, no agreement and no judge can shorten that — it is set by statute and administered by SSA, which was not in your case.

If you are close to ten years, the date the divorce becomes final is a financial decision as well as an emotional one, and it is worth knowing before you agree to a timetable.

It costs your ex nothing. A divorced spouse claiming on the record does not reduce what the worker themselves receives.

Social Security Administration, benefits for a divorced spouse, read 6 September 2026.

And the ones with no national answer

Everything above has a federal source you can check. The following do not — they are matters of contract and of your state’s law, which means the only protection is that the agreement says so in words. We are listing them without citations because inventing one would be worse than leaving the gap visible.

The house. Not “it will be sold” — by when, listed with whom, at what price, reduced on what schedule, who pays the mortgage, taxes, insurance and repairs until it goes, and what happens if it does not sell.
Life insurance securing support. Who owns the policy, who controls the beneficiary designation, how the amount steps down, and how you find out it has lapsed. An obligation to maintain insurance that you cannot verify is not security.
Beneficiary designations everywhere else. Retirement accounts, life insurance and payable-on-death accounts pay whoever is named on the form. Divorce does not clear them. This is a task with a list, not a clause.
Children’s unreimbursed medical costs and extracurriculars. The two most common sources of post-decree fighting. A percentage split, a notice period and a deadline to reimburse.
Stock options, RSUs and deferred compensation. Vesting schedules straddle the marriage. Say which grants, on what formula, and who bears the tax on exercise.
A business interest. Valued as of what date, on whose figures, and paid over what term with what security.
Pets. Some states now allow a court to consider the animal’s wellbeing; most still treat it as property. Either way, an agreement is worth more than an argument later. Pets and divorce.
Points, miles, and everything digital. Frequent flyer balances, credit card points, domains, shared cloud storage and photographs. The digital side of it.

How to use this in the room

Do not ask “is this fair”. Ask, item by item, “who is doing this, and by when”.
For every retirement account: “who is drafting the order, when will the plan pre-approve it, and what does it cost?” Pre-approval by the plan before the judge signs is the step that prevents the whole problem.
Ask what happens if your ex dies before each obligation is complete. If the answer is a shrug, that is the clause you are missing.
Anything promised “afterwards” is a thing you may have to sue for. Where it can be done before signature, do it before signature.

This is a checklist, not advice about your case, and it is deliberately the general federal picture rather than your state’s. Where an item matters to you, the honest next step is to put the question to whoever is advising you — or to ask it yourself, which is what most of this page is for.

Keep reading

Dividing retirement: how a QDRO actually works
The first thirty days
When you think assets are being hidden
Beneficiaries and wills afterwards
Your credit after the divorce
Health insurance afterwards
What is left to do after the order

Sources last checked4 September 2026

Page published4 September 2026

What this means. This is when the sources on this page were last read against their originals — statutes, court rules, official schedules — taken from the date this page was built from its sources. It is not the date the page was last edited. Adding a link or fixing a typo does not move it; re-reading the statute does. Law changes without notice, so treat anything time-sensitive as needing a fresh check. Where we get something wrong we publish it at thecusp.app/corrections with the date, what changed, and how long the error was live.

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