At fourteen, they were already leaving

What is actually different about this age

Everything in the early-teen band happens twice. They were already pulling away from you, and now you have given them a reason. Distinguishing the normal separation from the one your divorce caused is genuinely hard, and getting it wrong in either direction costs something: read everything as the divorce and you take responsibility for ordinary adolescence; read nothing as the divorce and you miss it entirely.

The court guide’s description of this sub-band is unusually careful. Thirteen- to fifteen-year-olds continue to use the family as a base of support and guidance; this is a time of striving for independence but still tied to the parents; and decision-making ability varies widely among teens in this age group as well as from one situation to another. That last clause is the useful one. The same fourteen-year-old can be capable about one thing and fourteen about the next, in the same afternoon.

The schedule stops being about you

The guide notes that teens have outside interests that compete with the plan, often prefer friends to parents, and may become resentful or angry when they cannot do what they want. It also raises something worth watching for: teens may try to reach a deal with one or both parents to get what they want, which affects the other parent’s time.

That is not manipulation in any sinister sense. It is a fourteen-year-old negotiating with the two separate authorities now available, which is what anybody would do. The defense is boring and effective: the two of you talk to each other about when the plan flexes, so the answer does not depend on who was asked.

The harder version of the same thing is a teenager who wants less time with one parent. The guide addresses resistance at every age, and the pattern it warns about is a parent reading it as a verdict. At fourteen, reduced enthusiasm for both parents is nearly universal, and a parent who takes it personally and pushes tends to get less.

The thing to watch hardest in this band

The guide goes on to describe what follows: a teen may avoid both parents, or reject one and cling to the other, especially if the parents are putting them in the middle of their conflict. Some want little to do with either and turn to friends or others outside the conflict instead.

That last outcome is often read as the least alarming and it is not. A fourteen-year-old who has concluded that neither parent is available for ordinary teenage trouble has lost both of you at the moment adolescence needs one.

If the court wants to hear from your child

Depending on the state and the judge, a child may be interviewed by a guardian ad litem, a custody evaluator, a family-court counselor, or in some places the judge directly, usually in chambers rather than a courtroom. What these people do varies enormously by state, and the title can mean different things in two courts a county apart — we set out who each of them is, what they can and cannot do, and who pays for them on who speaks for your child.

What is worth knowing is the shape of it. Someone whose job is to form a view about what arrangement is workable will spend time with your child, often more than once, often at home, and will usually ask about ordinary things — school, meals, bedtime, who takes them where — rather than asking them to pick.

Whether a child’s stated preference carries any weight, and at what age, is a question of state law rather than psychology. We cover it state by state — see at what age a child can choose for where your state sits.

At thirteen to fifteen a stated preference is often asked for and in many states carries real weight, which makes the coaching temptation at its strongest here. It is also the age at which a young person is most likely to work out that they are being coached, and to resent whoever did it — often years later, and permanently.

What we are not going to claim