The stepfamily planning worksheet
For two people with adult children from previous relationships. Print it, work through it together, and put dates against the things you do not finish. The conversations are the point — the documents are only what makes them stick.
Where this comes from. Adapted, with permission, from Appendix B of Cahn, N., & Papernow, P. (2026), “Meeting the health, financial and legal challenges of stepfamilies in later life: White coats, green dollars, and special teacups,” Family Court Review 1–26, doi.org/10.1111/fcre.70064. The article is open access and the original worksheet is worth reading in full. The structure is theirs; the wording here is ours, and so are any errors. Permission to adapt with attribution given in writing by Dr Papernow, 15 September 2026.
In this subject 4
1 Health and end-of-life
Documents to have in place
- An advance care directive, containing both a living will (what treatment you do and do not want) and a health-care proxy (who decides if you cannot)
- HIPAA releases, naming each person you want able to get information
- A DNR or POLST, but only if one of you is seriously ill — these are doctor’s orders, not legal documents
- A written designation for burial or cremation, in whatever form your state provides
Conversations to have, in this order
- Say your wishes out loud to each other. Who do you each want deciding? Anyone else you want involved — a particular adult child, a sibling?
- Name where you differ. This is where couples find out one of them assumes “let go” and the other assumes “keep going.”
- Decide who gets access to medical information, by name, and sign a release for each of them
- Talk about long-term care — and if you are not married, talk about it twice, because eligibility and authority both change with marital status
- Ask the adult children what they need around a funeral. It is one of the few things that cannot be redone
- Copy and share every document. A directive nobody can find at two in the morning does nothing
In every state surrogate-decision list we have read, the spouse outranks the adult children — a second spouse of six months outranks a daughter of forty years, and the statute does not ask how long the marriage lasted.
And if you have repartnered without marrying, the reverse trap applies: in some states an unmarried partner is not on the list at all. This worksheet is how you override the default instead of inheriting it.
Notes
2 Money, while you are both alive
Documents to have in place
- A financial power of attorney for each of you — usually a separate document from the health-care one
- A binding agreement between you: prenuptial or postnuptial if you are married, a cohabitation agreement if you are not
Decisions to make together
- Money for adult children. What did each of you grow up believing about helping grown children? What have you each actually done? What do they expect?
- Write down what each of you wants to contribute, where you agree, and where you do not
- List the assets, and decide which stay separate
- List the debts, and decide the same
- Decide how you treat what you earn or acquire from here on
- Decide how you split living expenses, and settle in writing what happens if one of you owns the home the other lives in
- Put a date in the calendar to revisit it. None of this survives a redundancy, an inheritance or a grandchild without revisiting
The “one pot” model — putting everything into a joint account — is often a poor fit for a recoupled couple. On death the surviving account holder takes the whole balance, which is rarely what either of you intended for the other’s children.
Notes
3 Inheritance
Documents to have in place
- Wills or trusts, made after the wedding rather than before
- Every beneficiary designation reviewed — 401(k), pension, IRA, life insurance, payable-on-death accounts. These pass outside the will entirely
- A memo of special things, even in a state where it is not binding
Decisions to make together
- Say out loud what each of you wants to leave to your own children, and to each other. Numbers, not sentiments
- Answer the housing question explicitly. When the first of you dies, can the survivor stay in the house? For how long — for life, a fixed term, until they repartner? What happens to it then?
- Ask the adult children which objects matter to them before you finalize the list, and share it with them afterwards
- Check whether a memo of special things is binding where you live — and if it is, make sure the will says the list takes precedence, or it loses to anything the will already gave away
It causes more stepfamily litigation than anything else on this sheet, and it has a dull, well-established answer: a trust giving the survivor the home for life, with the remainder to the children. Deciding it now costs a conversation. Leaving it costs a lawsuit.
Notes
4 Where you actually are
Do this last, for all three sections at once. It is the part that turns a good afternoon into something that finishes.
Conversations
- Which conversations — with each other, and with the adult children — now feel complete?
- Which ones do you still need to have, and which decisions are still open?
- Where do you need help to resolve a difference?
- Dates in the calendar for the next ones
Documents
- Which are finished? Mark them. Most people never get this far
- Which are outstanding, and who do you need to finish them?
- Dates against each one
Sharing
- What have you actually shared — with each other, and with the children?
- What is still sitting in a drawer nobody knows about?
- Dates for the ones still to share
A plan nobody has been told about is a surprise waiting to happen, and surprise is what starts the fight. Most stepfamily estate litigation is not caused by the terms. It is caused by the first family learning the terms at the reading.
Notes
This worksheet organizes conversations and names documents. It is not legal advice and it is not a substitute for someone licensed in your state. The Cusp is not a law firm and does not provide legal, financial or clinical advice. Checked 15 Sep 2026.
If you advise people professionally rather than planning your own: Appendix A of the same article is a checklist for the practitioner, adapted with permission at a stepfamily lens. Free and printable, with a QR code for a slide.